Brian distel and brianette zatapathique there
In an improvised scene
From jean kenneth longueur's new movie le fromage grand.
Brian and brianette symbolize the breakdown in communications
In our modern society in this exciting new film.
Longueur is saying to us, his audience
"go on, protest, do something about it
Assault the manager, demand your money back."
Later on in the film, in a brilliantly conceived montage
Longueur mercilessly exposes the violence underlying our society
When brian and brianette again meet
On yet another rubbish dump.
Pretty strong meat there from longueur
Who is saying, of course, that ultimately materialism--
In this case, the webb's wonder lettuce--
Must destroy us all.
That was for o. simon, k. simon, p. simon
And r. sparrow of leicester.
Later on, we're going to take a look
At john wayne's latest movie
Buckets of blood pouring out of people's heads
But now we look ahead.
On tuesday, chris conger took a bbc film unit
To the location where 20th century vole
Are shooting their latest epic scott of the antarctic.
Sea, sand and sunshine
Make paignton the queen of the english riviera.
Well, for the next six months, this sleepy devonshire resort
Will be transformed into the blizzard-swept wastes
Of the south pole.
For today, shooting starts on the epic scott of the antarctic
Produced by jerry schlick.
Hello.
Jerry, you chose paignton as the location for scott.
Right, right.
Isn't it a bit of a drawback
That there's no snow here?
Well, we have
28,000 cubic feet of wintrex
Which is a new white foam rubber
Which actually on screen looks
More like snow than snow
And 1,600 cubic u.s. furlongs of white paint
With a special snow finish.
And I believe kirk vilb is playing the title role.
That is correct.
We were very thrilled and honored
When kirk agreed to play the part
Of lieutenant scott
Because a star of his magnitude
Can pick and choose, but he read the title
And just flipped.
And directing, we have a very fine
Young british director, james mcrettin
Who's been collaborating
On the screenplay, of course.
Jimmy.
Oh, there you are.
Hello. hello. no problem.
Have a drink. have a drink.
Oh, great. hello. marvelous.
Marvelous. hello.
Rewrite.
Oh, this is really great.
I mean, it's really saying something, don't you think?
Have you started shooting yet?
Yes, yes.
Great. perfect.
No, no, we haven't started yet. no.
But great, great.
What is the first scene that you shoot this morning?
Great. perfect.
Oh, it's great. no problem.
We'll sort it out on the floor.
Sort it out on the floor.
No problem.
This film is basically pro-humanity
And anti-bad things
And it rips aside the hypocritical facade
Of our society's gin and tonic
And leaves a lot of sacred cows rolling around in agony.
Have a drink. have a drink.
But which scene are we shooting first, jimmy?
Yes.
Great.
Oh, marvelous.
Which scene are we shooting first?
What? it's scene one.
Scene one. scene one.
It's in the middle of the movie.
Well, it is now.
I rewrote it.
I thought we cut that.
Did we cut...?
No, we didn't.
We didn't?
Oh, great. that's even better.
I'll put it back in. uh... rewrite.
Scene one's back in, everyone.
Scene one's back in. great. great.
This is the scene outside the tent.
It's all bloody marvelous.
It makes you want to throw up.
Now, in this scene
Lieutenant scott returns to camp in the early morning
After walking the huskies
To have brunch with the rest of his team.
Oates
Played by your very own lovely terrence lemming
Who is an english cockney officer
Seconded to the u.s. navy
And bowers, played by seymour fortescue
The olympic pole-vaulter.
Hi, lieutenant.
Hi, oatesy.
Sure is a beautiful day already.
Great! great!
What... what-what are you saying?
I was just saying, "great! great!"
Cue evans.
Sand this is vanilla hoare as miss evans.
Miss evans?
Right.
Good morning, miss evans.
Oh... I've forgotten my line.
Uh, what's her line?
What's her line?
"good morning, captain scott."
Oh, yeah.
Good... morning, cap... ca...
Oh, I'm just not really very happy with that line.
Could I just say, "hi, scottie"?
Great! great! rewrite!
Cue!
Hi, scarrie.
Oh... sorry.
Hi, stocky.
Oh... I'm sorry again.
Oh, jim, I'm just not happy with this line.
Hey, can I do it all sort of... kooky, like this?
Hi, scotty!
Great! we'll shoot it!
Are you sure that's right?
Ah, it's great!
Jim...
Jim! jim!
Ji... oh, me.
Now, jim, I feel we may be running into some problems here
In the area of height.
Great, where are they?
Where are who?
I don't know.
I was getting confused.
Jim... great.
I feel here that scott may be too tall
In the area of height, with reference to vanilla
Who is too near the ground
In the area of being too short at this time.
Great.
Oh, I know! I'm going to dig a pit for scott
And put a box in vanilla's trench.
Say, why don't I take the boxes off
And vanilla get up out of the trench?
It wouldn't work.
It's even better!
Great! rewrite!
What was that?
Oh, it's easy!
I've worked it out.
Uh, scott takes his boxes off
And you don't stand in the trench.
I say my lines out of the trench?
Even better. great.
But I've never acted out of a trench.
I might fall over.
It's dangerous.
Oh, well, could you just try it?
Look, you crumb bum...
I'm a star.
Star, star, star.
I don't get a million dollars to act out of a trench.
I played miss john the baptist in a trench
And I played miss napoleon bonaparte in a trench
And I played miss alexander fleming in a furrow.
So if you want this scene played out of a trench
Well, you just get yourself a goddamn stuntman! huh!
I played miss galileo in a groove...
And I played mrs. jesus christ
In a geological syncline
So don't tell me how to act.
I know how to act.
I don't have to act...
Great. uh, great, great, everyone.
Uh, lunch now. lunch.
It's all in the can.
Good morning's work.
But you haven't done a shot.
Just keeping morale up.
Now, this afternoon
We're going to shoot the scene
Where scott gets off the boat, onto the ice floe
And he sees the lion
And he fights it and he kills it
And the blood goes pssssshhh
In slow motion.
But there aren't any lions in the antarctic.
What?
There aren't any lions in the antarctic.
You're right. there are no lions in the antarctic.
That's ridiculous!
Whoever heard of a lion in the antarctic??
Right, lose the lion.
Got to keep the lion. it's great!
Lose the lion.
Great! we're losing the lion. rewrite!
Lose the lion, everyone.
That's fantastic!
What's this about, uh, losing the lion?
Uh, well, kirk, we thought perhaps we might, uh...
Lose the fight with the lion a little bit, kirk, angel.
Why?!
Oh, well, kirkie, doll
There are no lions in the antarctic, baby.
I get to fight the lion!
It'd be silly.
Listen! I got to fight the lion!
That's what that guy scott's all about.
I know-- I studied him already.
But why couldn't you fight a penguin?
Great!
Fight a rotten, little penguin?
It needn't be a little penguin.
It can be the biggest penguin you've ever seen.
An electric penguin, 20 feet high
With long, green tentacles that sting people
And you can stab it in the wings
And the blood can go spurting...
Pssssshhh in slow motion.
The lion is in the contract.
He fights the lion.
Even better! great!
Have a drink.
Hey, lose the penguin.
Stand by to shoot.
Where do they have lions?
Africa.
That's it! scott's in africa.
As many lions as we need.
Great!
Scott is looking for a pole no one else knows about.
That ties in with the sand.
Right. paint the sand yellow again.
Okay, let's get this show on the road.
Scott of the sahara.
Booming out of the pages of history
Comes a story of three men and one woman
Whose courage shocked a generation.
From the same team that brought you:
And:
Comes the story
Of three people and a woman, united by fate
Who set out in search of the fabled pole of the sahara
And found... themselves.
See lieutenant scott's death struggle
With a crazed desert lion.
See ensign oates' frank adult death struggle
With the spine-chilling giant electric penguin...
See miss evans
Pursued by the man-eating rolltop writing desk.
And now for something completely different.
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
And now, tired of the sounds of dancing feet?
Then listen to the sounds of dancing teeth.
Yes, brothers, it's time once again
For conrad poohs and his dancing teeth.
Excuse me, I'd like to make a correction.
Conrad is, in fact, holding a letter, not a telegram.
Thank you.
A letter. a letter.
Five pence, please.
Excuse me.
I would like to buy a fish licence, please.
The man's sign must be wrong.
I have in the past noticed a marked discrepancy
Between these post office signs
And the activities carried out beneath.
But soft, let us see how dame fortune smiles
Upon my next postal adventure.
Hello. I would like to buy a fish licence, please.
A what?
A licence for my pet fish eric.
How did you know my name was eric??
Oh, no, no, no.
My fish's name is eric. eric the fish.
He's an 'alibut.
He's a what?
He is an halibut.
You've got a pet halibut?
Yes. I chose him out of thousands.
Didn't like the others.
They were all too flat.
You're a loony.
I am not a loony!
Why should I be tarred with the epithet "loony"
Merely because I have a pet halibut?
I've heard tell that sir gerald nabarro
Has a pet prawn called simon
And you wouldn't call sir gerald a loony, would you?
Furthermore
Dawn palethorpe, the lady show jumper
Had a clam called sir stafford after the late chancellor.
Alan bullock has two pikes, both called norman
And the late great marcel proust had an 'addock!
If you're calling the author of a la recherche du temps perdu
A loony, I shall have to ask you to step outside!
All right, all right, all right.
You want a licence?
Yes.
For a fish?
Yes.
You are a loony.
Look, it's a bleedin' pet, isn't it?
I've got a licence for me pet dog eric
And I got a licence for me pet cat eric.
You don't need a licence for a cat.
You bleedin' well do, and I've got one.
Ho-ho, you're not catching me out there.
There is no such thing as a bloody cat licence.
Yes, there is.
No, there isn't.
Is.
Isn't.
Is.
Isn't.
Uh-huh. is.
Isn't.
Is.
Isn't.
Is.
Isn't.
Is!
Isn't.
What's that, then?
That is a dog licence with the word "dog" crossed out
And the word "cat" written in in crayon.
Well, the man didn't have the proper form.
What man?
The man from the cat detector van.
"loony detective van" you mean.
It's people like you what causes unrest.
All right, what cat detector van?
The cat detector van from the ministry of housinge.
Housinge?
Yes. it was spelt that way on the van.
I'm very observant.
I've never seen so many aerials in me life.
The man told me their equipment
Could pinpoint a purr at 400 yards.
And eric, being such a happy cat, was a piece of cake.
How much did this cost?
60 quid and eight guineas for the fruit bat.
What fruit bat?
Eric the fruit bat.
Are all your pets called eric??
There's nothing so odd about that.
Kemel ataturk had an entire menagerie all called abdul.
No, he didn't.
Did, did, did, did, did, did, did, indeed.
There you are.
Kemel ataturk the man by e.w. swanton
With a forward by paul anka.
Page 91, please.
I owe you an apology, sir.
Spoken like a gentleman.
Now, are you going to give me this fish licence?
I promise you, there is no such thing.
You don't need one.
Then I would like a statement to that fact
Signed by the lord mayor.
You're in luck.
And now, there is the mayor--
Surely the third tallest mayor in derby's history.
And there are the aldermen
Magnificently resplendent in their aldermanic hose
And just look at the power in those thighs.
The new zealanders are going to find it pretty tough going
In the set pieces in the second half.
So dawn palethorpe with one clear round on sir gerald...
And now the mayor has reached
The great customer mr. eric praline.
And now the mayoral human being
Takes the mayoral pen in his mayoral hand
And watched by the lady mayoress
Who, of course, scored that magnificent try
In the first half, signs the fishy exemption.
And the great customer, mr. eric praline
Who is understandably awed
By the magnificence and even the absurdity
Of this great occasion here at cardiff arms park
Has finally gone spare
And there is the "going sparal" look on the front of his head.
And now the alderman are finishing their oranges
And leaving the post office for the start of the second half.
And here come the derby council xv
following the all blacks out onto the pitch.
There, in the center of the picture
you can see dawn palethorpe on sir gerald--
one of the fastest wingers
we must have seen in england this season.
On the left-hand side of the picture
the lord mayor has been running such wonderful possession
for derby council in the lines out.
And it's the all blacks to kick off.
Wilson to kick off.
Oh, and I can see there
the chairman of the by-ways and highways committee
who's obviously recovered from that very nasty blow
he got in that loose ball in the first half.
And wilson kicks off
and it's the town clerk's taken the ball beautifully there.
The all blacks are up on it very fast, and the whistle has gone.
I'm not quite sure what happened there.
I couldn't see, but there's a scrum-down.
I think it's an all blacks' ball.
They were up on them very fast.
Obviously, they're going to try very hard in this half
to wipe out this five-point deficit.
Derby council eight points to three up
and derby council have got the ball against the head.
There is the borough surveyor, the scrum-half is out of the...
uh, the chairman of the highway and by-way committee
who's kicked for touch.
The line out-- and it's into the line out
and the mayor has got the ball again.
To the borough surveyor.
He's left out the medical officer of health.
Straight along the line to the lady mayoress
and the lady mayoress has got to go through!
Number two has missed her!
She's up to the full back!
There's only the full back to beat!
And she has scored!
The lady mayoress has scored!
It's 11 points to three.
Cliff, this must have been a very disappointing result
For the all blacks.
Well, they've had very bad luck on their tour so far.
In fact, they missed four very easy kicks
Against the exeter amateur operatic society
Which must have cost them the match.
And then, of course, there was that crippling defeat
At the hands of the derry and toms soft toy department.
So, I don't think they can really be fancying their chances
Against the london pooves on saturday.
And what about china?
Well, whether mao tse tung is alive or not
Lin piao has a stranglehold on the central committee
Which lin shao chi can't break.
So it remains to be seen whether chou en lai
Can really get his finger out
And get going in the second half.
Well, thank you, cliff.
Tonight's other outstanding match
Was the semifinal between the bournemouth gynecologists
And the watford long john silver impersonators.
We bring you edited highlights of the match.
Argh.
Well, that's about it for tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
But remember, if you enjoyed watching the show
Just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it
Then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you.
Ha-ha-ha.
Come in.
Ah, frog.
S. frog.
Shut up.
I want to have a word with you, frog.
S. frog, sir. shut up.
It's about your advertising campaign
For conquistador coffee.
Now, I've had the managing director
Of conquistador to see me this morning
And he's very unhappy with your campaign.
Very unhappy.
In fact, he shot himself.
Badly, sir?
No. extremely well.
Well, before he went
He left a note with the company secretary.
The effect of which was how disappointed he was
With your work and in particular
Why you would change the name
"conquistador instant coffee" to "conquistador instant leprosy."
Why, frog?
S. frog, sir.
Shut up.
Why did you do it?
It was a joke.
A joke?
No. no, not a joke.
A sales campaign.
I see, frog.
S. frog, sir.
Shut up.
Now, let's have a look at the sales chart.
When you took over this account, frog
Conquistador was brand leader.
Here you introduced your first campaign--
"conquistador coffee brings a new meaning
To the word 'vomit'."
Here you made your special introductory offer
Of a free dead dog with every jar.
And this followed your second campaign
"the tingling fresh coffee
"which brings you exciting new cholera, mange, sapportia
"dropsy, the clap, hard pad, and athlete's head
From the house of conquistador."
It was a soft sell, sir.
Why, frog?
S. frog, sir.
Shut up.
Well?
Well, people know the name, sir.
They certainly do know the name.
They burned the factory down.
The owner is hiding in my bathroom.
The owner was hiding in my bathroom.
You're not going to fire me, sir?
Fire you?
Three men dead, the factory burned down
The account lost
And our firm completely bankrupt.
What can you possibly say?
What excuse can you possibly make!
Sorry, father.
Ah, yes.
Oh, incidentally, your film's won a prize.
Sorry about that.
And now for something completely
Diff completely...
Diff completely different.
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
1929. stanley baldwin's conservative government
Is defeated
And ramsay macdonald becomes
For the second time
Prime minister of england.
Whew. my, it's hot in here.
Hello? come in.
Ah, hello, hello.
How much do you want
For the briefcase?
Well, i...
All right, then
The briefcase and the umbrella
A fiver down, must be my final offer.
I don't really want to sell them.
I've come for a job.
Oh, take a seat. take a seat.
Thank you.
I see you chose the canvas chair
With the aluminum frame.
I'll throw that in.
That and the fiver for the briefcase and the umbrella.
No, make it fair, the briefcase and the umbrella
And the two pens in your breast pocket
And the chair's yours and a fiver
And a pair of ex-german u-boat commander's binoculars.
Really, they're not for sale.
Not for sale?
What does that mean?
I came about the advertisement
For the job of assistant editor.
Oh, yeah. yeah, right.
Oh, okay.
Uh, how much experience in journalism?
Five years.
Right. typing speed?
50.
"o" levels?
Eight.
"a" levels?
Two.
Right.
Well, I'll give you the job...
And the chair and an all-wool, ex-army sleeping bag
For the briefcase, the umbrella
The pens in your breast pocket
And your string vest.
When do I start?
Monday. marvelous.
If you throw in the shoes as well.
Hello, miss johnson
Could we have two coffee and biscuits, please?
One coffee and one biscuit for the two ex-army greatcoats
and the alarm clock on the mantelpiece.
Two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock
And a table lamp for two coffees and biscuits.
Two greatcoats and two table lamps.
Two greatcoats, one table lamp, and a desert boot.
For two coffee and biscuits?
Done.
So, miss johnson returned to her typing
And dreamed her little dreamy dreams
Unaware as she was of the cruel trick
Fate had in store for her.
For miss johnson was about to fall victim
Of the dreaded, international chinese communist conspiracy.
Yes, these fanatical fiends--
Under the leadership of the so-called mao tse-tung--
Had caught miss johnson off guard
For one brief, but fatal moment...
And destroyed her.
Just as they are ready to do any time free men anywhere
Waver in their defense of democracy.
Yes, once again, american defense proves its effectiveness
Against international communism.
Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country
We can see how international communism works
By eroding away from the inside.
When one country or tooth falls victim
To international communism, its neighbors soon follow.
In dentistry, this is known as the "domino theory. "
But with american defense
The decay is stopped before it starts.
And that's why nine out of ten
Small countries choose american defense.
Or crelm toothpaste
With the miracle ingredient, fraudulin.
The white car represents crelm toothpaste
With the miracle ingredient.
The not-white car represents
Another toothpaste.
Both toothpastes provide 30% protection.
At 60% protection
Both toothpastes are doing well.
And now, at 90% protection, the... wait!
The not-white car is out.
And crelm toothpaste
Goes on to win with 100% protection.
Yes, do like all smart motorists.
Choose crelm toothpaste or shrill petrol
With the new additive, glc-9424075.
After 6:00 p.m., 9424047.
Using this white card to represent engine deposits
And this black card
To represent shrill's new additive
Glc-9424075--
After 6:00 p.m., 9424077--
We can see how the engine deposits
Are pushed off the face of the earth
By the superior forces available to shrill...
Anyway, john, you can catch the 11:30 from hornchurch
And be at basingstoke by 1:00.
Oh, and there's a buffet car and... oh.
Daddy.
My hat! sir horace.
Has he been...?
Yes, after breakfast.
But that doesn't matter now.
He's dead.
Oh. poor daddy.
Looks like I shan't be catching the 11:30 now.
Oh, no, john
You mustn't miss your train.
How could I think of catching a train
When I should be here helping you?
Oh, john, thank you.
Anyway, you could always catch the 9:30 tomorrow.
It goes via caterham and chipstead.
Or the 9:45's even better.
Oh, but you'd have to change at lambs green.
Yes, but there's only a seven-minute wait now.
Oh, yes, of course. I'd forgotten it was friday.
Oh, who could have done this?
Oh, do hurry, sir horace.
Your train leaves in 28 minutes
And if you don't miss the 10:15, you won't catch the 3:45
Which means the... oh.
I'm afraid sir horace won't
Be catching the 10:15, lady partridge.
Has he been...?
Yes, after breakfast.
Lady partridge
I'm afraid you can cancel his seat reservation.
Oh, and it was back to the engine, fourth coach along
So that he could see
The gradient signs outside swanborough.
Not any more, lady partridge.
The line's been closed.
Closed? not swanborough.
I'm afraid so.
All right, nobody move.
I'm inspector davis of scotland yard.
My word, you were here quickly, inspector.
Yeah, I got the 8:55 pullman express from king's cross
And missed that bit around hornchurch.
It's a very good train.
Oh, it's an excellent train.
Hello, everyone.
Tony!
Where is daddy?
Oh, golly.
Has he been...?
Yes, after breakfast.
Then, he... won't be needing
His reservation on the 10:15.
Exactly.
And I suppose as his eldest son
It must go to me.
Just a minute, tony.
There's a small matter of-- murder. oh!
Oh, but surely he simply shot himself and then hid the gun.
How could anyone shoot himself and then hide the gun
Without first canceling his reservation?
Ha, ha. well, I must dash or I'll be late for the 10:15.
I suggest you murdered your father
For his seat reservation.
I may have had the motive, inspector
But I could not have done it
For I've only just arrived from gillingham on the 8:13
And here is my restaurant car ticket to prove it.
But the 8:13 from gillingham
Doesn't have a restaurant car.
It's a standing buffet only.
Oh, ah... did i say the 8:13?
I meant the 7:58 stopping train.
But the 7:58 stopping train arrived at swindon at 8:19
Owing to annual point maintenance
At wisborough junction.
So how did you make the connection
With the 8:13, which left six minutes earlier?
Oh, ah, simple. I caught the 7:16 football special
Arriving at swindon at 8:09.
But the 7:16 football special
Only stops at swindon on alternate saturdays.
Yes, surely you mean the holidaymaker special.
Oh, yes! how daft of me.
Of course, I came on the holidaymaker special
Calling at bedford, colmworth, fen ditton, sutton
Wallington and gillingham.
That's sundays only.
Damn.
All right, I confess. I did it.
I killed him for his reservation
But you won't take me alive.
I'm going to throw myself under the 10:12 from reading.
Don't be a fool, tony! don't do it!
The 10:12 has the new narrow traction bogies.
You wouldn't stand a chance.
Exactly.
That was an excerpt from the latest west end hit
It all happened on the 11:20 from hainault to redhill
Via horsham and reigate, calling at carshalton beeches
Malmesbury, tooting bec and croydon west.
The author is mr. neville shunt.
Chuff, chuff, chuff, woooooch, woooooch!
Diddledum, diddledum, diddledum. toot! toot!
The train is now standing
At platform eight, tch, tch, tch.
Diddledum, diddledum, chuffff chuffffffff...
Eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa vooooommmmm!
Some people have made the mistake
Of seeing shunt's work as a load of rubbish
About railway timetables
But clever people like me
Who talk loudly in restaurants
See this as a deliberate ambiguity
A plea for understanding in a mechanized world.
The points are frozen, the beast is dead.
What is the difference?
What, indeed, is the point?
The point is frozen.
The beast is late out of paddington.
The point is taken.
If la fontaine's elk would spurn tom jones
The engine must be our head, the dining car our esophagus
The guard's van our left lung, the cattle truck our shins
The first-class compartment
The piece of skin at the nape of the neck
And the level crossing an electric elk called simon.
The clarity is devastating, but where is the ambiguity?
It's over there in a box.
Shunt is saying the 8:15 from gillingham
When in reality, he means the 8:13 from gillingham.
The train is the same, only the time is altered.
Ecce homo, ergo elk.
La fontaine knew his sister and knew her bloody well.
The point is taken. the beast is molting.
The fluff gets up your nose.
The illusion is complete.
It is reality, the reality is illusion
And the ambiguity is the only truth
But is the truth, as hitchcock observes, in the box?
No, there isn't room-- the ambiguity has put on weight.
The point is taken, the elk is dead.
The beast stops at swindon, chabrol stops at nothing
I'm having treatment, and la fontaine can get knotted.
Gavin millar...
Rrrrrrrrrrr.
...was not talking to neville shunt.
From the world of the theater
We turn to the world of dental hygiene.
No, no, no, no.
From the world of the theater we turn to the silver screen.
We honor one of the silver screen's
Outstanding writer-dentists, uh, writer-directors
Martin curry, who is visiting london
To have a tooth out, for the pre-molar, uh, premiere
Of his filling, film, next toothday, tuesday
At the dental theatre, film theatre.
Martin curry, talking to matthew palate, padget.
Martin curry, welcome.
One of the big teeth, uh, big points
That the american critics made
About your latest film, the twelve caesars
Was that it was on so all-embracing a topic.
What made you undertake so enormous a tusk?
Task?
I've always been interested in imperial rome
Right from julius caesar
Right through to vethpathian.
Who?
Vethpathian.
Oh. vespasian.
Yes, yes.
Well, when I saw your film
It did seem to me that you had taken
A rather, um, subjective approach to it.
I'm sorry?
Well, I mean all your main characters
Had these enormous, well, not enormous, but, uh...
These, um, very big, um...
Well, let's have a look at a clip
In which julius incisor, caesar
Talks to his generals during the battle against caractatus.
I don't see that at all.
Shall I order the cavalry
That they may hide themselves in the wood, o caesar?
Thus, o caesar! thus, o caesar!
Today is about to be a triumph for our native country.
Well, martin curry, why do all your characters
Have these very big, um...
Very big, uh... teeth?
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, uh... even
In your biblical epic, the son of man
John the baptist had the most enormous... dental appendages
And of course, um... himself had the most monumental ivories.
Well, I'm afraid i don't see that at all.
Um. well, while we're waiting...
Look, could i have a straw?
Oh, a straw. yes, yes.
Well, while we're doing that, uh...
Perhaps we could have a look
At an earlier film, trafalgar.
Cover my coat, mr. bush.
The men must not know of this till victory is ours.
The surgeon's coming, sir.
No, tell the surgeon
To attend the men that can be saved.
He can do little for me, I fear.
Aye, aye, sir.
Hardy...!
Hardy!
Sir?
Hardy... kiss...
Er, put your hand on my thigh.
Huh. well, martin curry, thank you.
Uh... well, we asked the first-night audience
What they thought of that film.
It wasn't true to life.
Yes, it was.
No, it wasn't.
I thought it was totally bizarre.
Well, I've been in the city for over 40 years
And I think the importance of looking after poor people
Cannot be understressed.
Well, I've been in the city for 20 years
And I must admit, I'm lost.
Well, I've been in the city all my life
and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been.
Well, I've been in the city since I was two
And certainly wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut...
Stuck in a rut, stuck in a rut.
Oh, dear
Mr. bulstrode's stuck again.
Stuck in a rut.
I certainly wouldn't say
That I was stuck in a rut.
Well, I have been in the city for 30 years
And I never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold-hearted
Avaricious, money-grubber... conservative.
Well, I've been in the city about 27 years
And I'd like to see the reintroduction of flogging.
Every thursday, round at my place.
Well, I've been in the sea for 33 years
And I've never regretted it.
Neither have i.
Yes, quite so.
I think it must be a naturalist outing.
No, I think it must be
One of them crackpot religions.
This is an example of the sort of abuse
We get all the time from ignorant people.
I inherited this religion from my father
An ex-used car salesman and part-time window box
And I am very proud to be in charge of the first religion
With free gifts.
You get this luxury tea trolley with every new enrollment.
In addition to this, you can win
A three-piece lounge suite
This luxury caravan
A weekend for two with peter bonetti
And tonight's star prize:
The entire norwich city council.
And remember, with only eight scoring draws
You can win a bishopric in a see of your own choice.
You see, we have a much more modern approach to religion.
Blessed is arthur crackpot and all its subsidiaries, limited.
You see, in our church, we have a lot more fun.
Oh, mrs. collins
You did say you were nervous, didn't you?
You have eyes on the coffee machine?
I don't mind, I don't mind.
It's just nice to be here, reverend.
Archdeacon.
Well, you have eyes for the coffee machine
So let's see what you've won.
You chose hymn 437.
Oh, mrs. collins.
You had eyes on the coffee machine.
Well, you have won tonight's star prize:
The entire norwich city council!
I've got one already.
A lot of religions-- no names, no pack drill--
Do go for the poorer type of person.
Face it : there's more of them-- poor people, thieves, villains
Poor people without no money at all.
Well, we don't have none of that tat.
Rich people and crumpet over 16 can enter free
Upper middle class: quite welcome
Lower middle class: not under five grand a year
Lower class: I can't touch it.
There's no return on it, you see.
Do you have any difficulty converting people?
Uh, no. well, we have ways of making them join.
Norman, there, does a lot of converting
A lot of protection, that sort of thing.
And there's his mate, bruce beer.
Brucy has personally converted 92 people
25 inside the distance.
Then again, we're not afraid to use more modern methods.
Sarah, today's diocesan lovely
Is enough to make any chap go down on his knees.
This 23-year-old bishop hails, appropriately enough
From bishop's stortford
And lists her hobbies as swimming, riding
And film producers.
What a gas!
Bet she's no novice
When it comes to converting all in her see.
Basically...
I believe... in peace
And bashing two bricks together.
I'm starting a war for peace.
Cor blimey!
I'm raising polecats for peace.
Peace? I like a peace.
Know what I mean? know what I mean?
Say no more. nudge, nudge.
Our religion is the first church
To cater for the naughty type of person.
If you'd like a bit of love-your-neighbor--
And who doesn't now and again--
Then see vera and ciceley during the hymns.
In our church, we try to help people to help themselves
To cars, washing machines, lead piping--
No questions asked.
We're the only church, apart from the baptists
To do re-spray jobs.
We in the church of the divine loony
Believe in the power of prayer to turn the head purple.
I would like to come in here for a moment, if I may
And disassociate our church
From these frivolous and offensive religions.
We are primarily concerned with what is best...
Hello?
Oh, well, how about allied breweries?
All right, but keep the rio tinto.
...for the human soul.
In our church, we believe, first and foremost, in you.
We want you to think of us as your friend.
In this picture, there are 40 people.
None of them can be seen.
In this film, we hope to show you how not to be seen.
This is mr. e.r. bradshaw of napier court
Black lion road, se5.
He cannot be seen.
Now, I'm going to ask him to stand up.
Mr. bradshaw, will you stand up, please?
This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
In this picture, we cannot see
Mrs. b.j. smegma of 13, the crescent, belmont.
Mrs. smegma, will you stand up, please?
This is mr. nesbitt of harlow, new town.
Mr. nesbitt, would you stand up, please?
Mr. nesbitt has learnt the first lesson of not being seen--
Not to stand up.
However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
Mr. e.v. lambert of homeleigh, the burrows, oswestry
Has presented us with a poser.
We do not know which bush he is behind
But we can soon find out.
Yes, it was the middle one.
Mr. ken andrews of leighton road, slough
Has concealed himself extremely well.
He could be almost anywhere.
He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel
Beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree
Squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow
Or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes.
However, we happen to know he's in the water barrel.
Mr. and mrs. watson of ivy cottage, worplesdon road, hull
Chose a very cunning way of not being seen.
When we called at their house
We found they had gone away on two weeks' holiday.
They had not left any forwarding address
And they had bolted and barred the house
To prevent us getting in.
However, a neighbor told us where they were.
And here is the neighbor who told us where they were.
Nobody likes a clever dick.
And this is where he lived.
And this is where lord langdon lived
Who refused to speak to us...
And so did the gentleman
Who lived here...
And here...
And, of course, here
And manchester
And the west midlands
Spain...
China...
Ah. well, I'm afraid we have to stop the film there
As some of the scenes which followed
Were of a violent nature
Which might prove distressing to some of our viewers
Though not to me, I can tell you.
In nova scotia today
Mr. roy bent of north walsham in norfolk
Became the first man to cross the atlantic on a tricycle.
His tricycle, specially adapted for the crossing
Was 90-foot long with a protective steel hull
Three funnels, 17 first-class cabins
And a radar scanner.
Mr. bent is in our durham studios
Which is rather unfortunate
As we're all down here in london.
And in london...
In london, I have with me mr. ludovic grayson
The man who scored all six goals in arsenal's 1-nil victory
Over the turkish champions fc botty.
Ludovic, first of all, congratulations on the victory.
Thank you, david.
It should send you back to botty
With a big lead.
Oh, yes. well, we're fairly confident, david.
Well, at the moment, ludovic
You're crouching down inside a filing cabinet.
Yes, that's right, david.
I'm trying not to be seen.
I see. is this through fear?
Oh, no, no. it's common sense, really.
If they can't see you, they can't get you.
Ha, ha, ha, but, of course, they can still hear you.
Huh?
Ludovic grayson, thank you very much
For coming on the program tonight.
And we end the show with music
And here with their very latest recording:
"yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy"
Jackie charlton and the tonettes.
Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got love in my tummy
And I feel like a-lovin' you
Love, you're such a sweet thing
Good-enough-to-eat thing
And that's just what I'm gonna do
Ooh, love, to hold ya
Ooh, love, to kiss ya
Ooh, love, I love it so...
Ooh, love, you're sweeter
Sweeter than sugar
Ooh, love, I won't let you go...
Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got love in my tummy
And as silly as that may seem
The lovin' that you're givin' is what keeps me livin'
And your love is like peaches and cream
Kinda like sugar
Kinda like spices
Kinda like I love what you do...
Kinda sounds funny
But your love, honey
Honey, I love you...
Baa, baa-da-da-da...
Yummy, yummy, yummy...
For those of you who may have just missed
Monty python's flying circus
Here it is again.
The lovin' that you're givin' is what keeps me livin'
And love is like peaches and cream
Kinda like sugar...
Come on.
And now for something completely different...
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Thank you very much for the change
Mr. tobacconist.
Was that all right?
Shh! shh!
Uh... hah...
I will not buy this record.
It is scratched.
Sorry?
I will not buy this record.
It is scratched.
No, no, no.
This... tobacconist's.
Ah!
I will not buy this tobacconist's.
It is scratched.
No, no, no, no.
Tobacco. um... cigarettes.
Yah. yeah?
Yah. cigarettes. yah.
Uh... uh... yah.
My hovercraft is full of eels.
My hovercraft...
Is full of eels.
Matches. matches.
Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah.
Do you want...
To come back to my place...
Bouncy bouncy?
I don't think you're using that right.
You great poof.
Um... that'll be six and six, please.
If I said you had a beautiful body
Would you hold it against me?
I-i am no longer infected.
Um... may i? may i?
Yah, yah, yah.
It costs six and six...
Costs six and... ah!
Here we are. um...
Yandelvayasna grldenwi
Stravenka.
What's going on here, then?
Ah! you have beautiful thighs.
What?
He hit me.
Drop your panties, sir william.
I cannot wait till lunchtime.
Right!
My nipples
Explode with delight.
Call alexander yahlt.
Call alexander yahlt
Call alexander yahlt.
Oh, shut up!
You are alexander yahlt?
Oh, I am.
Skip the impersonations.
You are alexander yahlt?
I am.
You are hereby charged
That on the 28th day of may,
You did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought
Publish an alleged english/hungarian phrase book
With intent
To cause a breach of the peace.
How do you plead?
Not guilty.
You live at 46 horton terrace?
I do live at 46 horton terrace.
You are the director of a publishing company?
I am the director of a publishing company.
Your company publishes phrase books?
My company does publish phrase books.
You did say 46 horton terrace, did you?
Yes.
Hah! got him!
Get on with it.
Yes, m'lord.
On the 28th day of may
You published this phrase book.
I did.
I quote an example.
The hungarian phrase meaning
"can you direct me to the station"
Is translated by the english phrase
"please fondle my bum."
I wish to plead incompetence.
Please, may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?
Adjournment? certainly not.
Why on earth didn't you say why you wanted an adjournment?
I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord.
If there's any more stock film of women applauding
I shall clear the court.
Call abigail tesler.
M'lord, this is abigail tesler.
Is it?
Yes, m'lord.
23-year-old abigail hails from down under
Where they're upside down about her.
Those aussies certainly know a thing or two
When it comes to beach belles.
Bet some lifesaver wouldn't mind giving her the kiss of life.
So watch out for the sharks, abigail.
Journalist "is this strictly relevant?"
Quizzed learned lovely, justice maltravers.
78-year-old justice hails from esher
And he's been making a big name for himself
At the recent assizes at exeter.
"all will be revealed soon, m'lord"
Quipped tall, 42-year-old nelson bedowes, cutie q.c.
Nelson's keen on negligence
And grievous bodily harm at gray's inn.
And with cases like he's won
We bet gray's in when nelson's around.
"well, get on with it"
Admitted 78-year-old genial jurisprude maltravers
Seen here at london airport on his way to judge for britain
At the famous international court at the hague.
Get off!
Good evening.
Tonight is indeed a unique occasion
In the history of television.
We are very privileged and deeply honored
To have with us in the studio karl marx
Founder of modern socialism
And author of the communist manifesto.
Vladimir ilich ulyanov
Better known to the world as lenin
Leader of the russian revolution, writer, statesman
And father of modern communism.
Che guevara
The cuban guerrilla leader
And mao tse tung
Leader of the chinese communist party since 1949.
And the first question is for you, karl marx.
"the hammers."
"'the hammers' is the nickname of what english football team?"
The hammers?
No? well, bad luck there, karl.
So we go on to you, che.
Che guevara.
"coventry city last won the f.a. cup in what year?"
No?
I'll throw it open.
"coventry city last won the f.a. cup in what year?"
No? well, I'm not surprised you didn't get that.
It was in fact a trick question.
Coventry city have never won the f.a. cup.
So, with the scores all equal now
We go on to our second round
And, lenin, it's your starter for ten.
"teddy johnson and pearl carr
"won the eurovision song contest in 1959.
What was the name of the song?"
Teddy johnson and pearl carr's song
In the 1959 song contest?
Anybody? no?
Yes, mao tse-tung.
"sing little birdie"?
Yes, it was indeed.
Well challenged.
Well, now we come on to our special gift section.
The contestant is karl marx
And the prize this week is a beautiful lounge suite.
Now, karl has elected to answer questions
On the workers' control of factories
So here we go with question number one.
You nervous?
"the development of the industrial proletariat
Is conditioned by what other development?"
The development of the industrial bourgeoisie.
Yes. yes. yes, indeed.
You're on your way to your lounge suite, karl.
Question number two:
"the struggle of class against class
Is a what struggle?"
"a what struggle?"
A political struggle.
Yes. yes.
One final question, karl
And the beautiful lounge suite will be yours.
You going to have a go?
You're a brave man.
Karl marx, your final question:
"who won the cup final in 1949?"
Uh... the workers control the means of production.
The struggle of the urban proletariat.
No. it was in fact wolverhampton wanderers
Who beat leicester 3-1.
Ah. thank you.
Just the word I was looking for.
"I wonder," said la farge
"just how much molineux."
Hey!
That's the bad jokes.
And now a bit of fun.
Jenkins?
Yes, sarge?
What you gonna do when you get back to blighty?
I don't know, sarge.
I 'spect I'll be looking after me mum.
She'll be getting on a bit now.
Got family of your own, have you?
No, she's...
She's all I got left now.
My wife doreen, she...
I got a letter.
You don't have to tell me, son.
No, sarge, I'd like to tell you.
See... this place...
Hold it!
Look, loves, can anyone not involved in this scene
Please leave the set?
Now, come on. please.
Anyone not concerned in this scene.
The canteen's open upstairs.
Now, come on, please.
Sorry, loves, sorry.
We'll have to take it again from the top, all right?
Okay.
Cue!
Hold it!
Now, who changed the caption?
Can whoever changed the caption
Put the right one back immediately, please?
Right. all right, we'll take it again from the top. cue.
Hold it!
Come on, come on, out of there!
You're not in this.
You're just holding the whole thing up.
Come on, please.
It's no good, loves, it's no good.
We'll have to leave it for now.
Come back when everyone's settled down a bit.
So that means we go over to the art room, all right?
So, cue camera three.
Sorry! camera four.
Aren't they marvelous?
Yes, yes.
The strength and boldness...
Life and power in those colors.
This must be titian's masterpiece.
Oh, indeed, if only for the composition alone.
The strength of those foreground figures
The firmness of the line.
Yes, the confidence of a master at the height of his powers.
Yes?
Hello, sonny. your dad in?
Yes.
Could I speak to him, please?
It's the man from "the hay-wain."
Who?
The man from "the hay-wain" by constable.
Dad! it's the man from "the hay-wain"
By constable to see you.
Coming.
Hello.
How are you? come on in.
Oh, no, no. can't stop.
Just passing by, actually.
Oh. where are you now?
Well may you ask.
We've just been moved in next to a roomful of bruegels.
Terrible bloody din-- skating all hours of the night.
Anyway, I've just dropped in to tell you
There's been a walkout in the impressionists.
Walkout, eh?
Yeah. it started with the dejeuner sur l'herbe lot.
Evidently, they were moved away
From above the radiator or something.
Anyway, the impressionists are all out.
Gainsborough's blue boy's brought out the 18th-century english portraits
The flemish school's solid, and the german woodcuts are at a meeting now.
Right. well, I'll get the renaissance school out.
Okay. meeting 4:30-- "bridge at arles."
Okay. cheerio. good luck, son.
Good luck.
Right. everybody out!
I'm off.
I'm off, dear.
I'm off.
I'm off, too.
I'm off.
Here is the news.
By an almost unanimous vote
paintings in the national gallery
voted to continue the strike
that has emptied frames for the last week.
The man from constable's "the hay-wain"
said last night that there was no chance
of a return to the pictures before the weekend.
Sir kenneth clarke has said he will talk to any painting
if it can help bring a speedy end to the strike.
At sotheby's, prices dropped dramatically
as leading figures left their paintings.
What am I bid for vermeer's
"lady who used to be at a window"?
Do I hear two bob?
Two bob!
Gone.
Now what am I bid for another great bargain--
Edwin landseer's "nothing at bay"?
All we bloody want
Is a little bit of bloody consultation.
At a mass meeting at brentford football ground
Other works of art voted to come out
In support of the paintings.
The vote was unanimous...
With one abstention.
Meanwhile at television centre
work began again on a sketch about ypres.
A spokesman for the sketch said he fully expected it
to be more sensible this time.
Jenkins?
Yes, sarge?
What you gonna do
When you get back to blighty?
I don't know, sarge.
I 'spect I'll look after me mum.
She'll be getting on a bit now.
Got a family of your own, have you?
No. she-she's all I got left now.
My wife doreen, she...
I got a letter.
You don't have to tell me, son.
No, sarge, I'd like to tell you.
You see, this bloke from up the street...
Okay, chaps.
At ease.
I've just been up the line.
Can we get through, sir?
No. I'm afraid we'll have to make
A break for it at nightfall.
Right, sir.
We're all with you.
Yes, I know.
That's just the problem, sergeant.
How many are there of us?
Well, sir, there's you, me, jenkins
Padre, kipper-- there's five, sir.
And only rations for...
Four, sir.
Precisely.
I'm afraid one of us
Will have to take the other way out.
I'm a goner, major.
Leave me.
I'm... I'm not a complete man anymore.
You've lost both your arms as well.
Yes.
Damn silly, really.
No, no, we'll draw for it.
That's the way we do things in the army.
Sergeant, the straws.
Righto.
All right.
Now, the man who gets the shortest straw
Knows what to do.
Looks like
You, sir.
Is it? oh, what did we say--
"the longest straw," was it?
No. shortest, sir.
Well, we better do it again.
There's obviously been a bit of a muddle.
There we go.
Best of three?
Right.
Well, I got the shortest straw, so...
I decide what means we use to decide who's going to do...
To-to-to, uh, to, uh, to do the thing...
To do the right thing.
Now, rank doesn't enter into this.
But obviously, if I should get through the lines
I'll be in a very good position to recommend anyone very highly
For a posthumous v.c.
No? good, fine.
Fine, fine, fine, fine.
Right.
Dip, dip, dip, my little ship
Sails on the ocean, you are...
No, no, wait a minute.
Um... i-i-i must have missed out a dip.
We'll start again.
Dip, dip, dip, dip, my little ship
Sails on the ocean, you are...
No, this is not working out.
It-it's not working out.
Uh, what-what shall we do?
How about one potato, two potato, sir?
Don't be childish, jenkins.
No, um, I think- I think fisties
Would be best.
Okay? so, uh, hands behind backs.
After "three," okay?
One, two, three!
Now, what's this?
Uh, stone, stone, stone and scissors.
Now, uh, scissors cut everything, don't they?
Not stones, sir.
They're very good scissors.
And padre hasn't been!
No arms, sir.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I-i-i-i'm afraid I didn't, um...
Tell you what-- all those people
Who don't want to stay here
And shoot themselves. raise their arms.
Stop it! stop it!
Stop this... this hideous facade.
E... easy, padre.
No, no, I must speak.
When i... when I came
To this war, I had two arms-- two good arms
But when the time came to... to lose one, i...
I gave it-- I gave it gladly.
I smiled as they cut it off
Because I knew there was a future for mankind. i...
I knew there was hope
So long as men were prepared to give their limbs!
And when the time came for me to give my other arm, i...
I gave it gladly, i...
I sang as they sawed it off, because I believed--
Oh, you may laugh!--
But I believed with every fiber of my body
With every drop of rain that falls
A... a flower grows.
And that flower--
That small, agile, delicate flower--
Shall burst forth
To give a new life
A new strength!
...there is freedom-- freedom from fear
Freedom from oppression and freedom from tyranny.
A world where men and women of all races and creeds
Can live together in communion.
And then in the twilight of this life
Our children and our children's children...
Our patients here
Are suffering from severe overacting.
Argh! jim, lad!
When they're brought in, they're all really over the top.
It's our job to try and treat the condition of overacting.
Rather serious.
This is the richard iii ward.
A horse. a horse.
My kingdom for a horse.
Most of these cases are pretty unpleasant.
A horse!
Nurse?
A horse!
My kingdom for...
But the treatment does work with some people.
This chap came to us
Straight from the chichester festival.
We operated just in time, and now he's almost normal.
A horse, a horse.
My kingdom for a horse.
Argh! argh! argh! argh!
But, uh, in here, we have some very nasty
Cases, indeed.
To be or not to be.
That is the question.
To be... to be...
Oh. oh.
Good evening.
First, take a bunch of flowers:
Pretty begonias, irises, freesias
And cry-manthesums.
Then...
Arrange them...
Nicely...
In a vase!
Oh, get in!
Get in!
Get in! oh...!
Shh!
Morning.
Morning!
What you got, then?
Well, there's egg and bacon.
Uh, egg, sausage and bacon.
Egg and spam.
Egg, bacon and spam.
Egg, bacon, sausage and spam.
Spam, bacon, sausage and spam.
Spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam.
Spam, spam
Spam, egg and spam.
Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans
Spam, spam, spam and spam.
Or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with mornay sauce
Garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and a fried egg on top
And spam.
Have you got anything without spam in it?
Well, spam, egg, sausage and spam.
It's not got much spam in it.
I don't want any spam!
Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
That's got spam in it!
Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.
Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage
Without the spam?
Ugh!
What do you mean "ugh"?
I don't like spam!
Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam
Lovely spam!
Wonderful spam!
Lovely spam! wonderful spam!
Shut up! shut up!
Shut up! shut up! lovely spam! wonderful spam!
You can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage
Without the spam.
Why not?!
Well, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam and sausage
Would it?
I don't like spam!!!
Oh, don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your spam.
I love it! I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...
Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam...
...spam, baked beans, spam, spam and spam!
Baked beans are off.
Well, can I have spam instead?
You mean spam, spam, spam, spam...
Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam
Wonderful spam! yes!
Ugh!
Lovely spam!
Shut up! shut up!
"oh, great boobies, honey bun.
"my lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon...
Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. "spam, spam...
Shut up!
"my nipples explode..."
Lovely spam! wonderful spam!
Another great viking victory
Was at the green midget cafe in bromley.
Once again, the viking strategy was the same.
They sailed from these fjords here
Assembled at trondheim
And waited for the strong northeasterly winds
To blow their oaken galleys to england
Whence they sailed on may the 23rd.
Once in bromley, they assembled in the green midget cafe
And spam selecting a spam particular spam item
From the spam menu would...
Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam
Lovely spam! wonderful spam!
Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam
Lovely spam! wonderful spam...!
Shut up!
Haagbard etheldronga and his viking hordes
Are currently appearing in grin and pillage it
At the jodrell theatre, colwyn bay.
The dirty hungarian phrase book is available
From her majesty's stationery office.
Price-- a kiss on the bum.
Ladies and gentlemen
I am not simply going to say
"and now for something completely different" this week
As I do not think it fit.
This is a particularly auspicious occasion
For us this evening, as we have been told
That her majesty the queen will be watching
Part of this show tonight.
And we don't know exactly when her majesty will be tuning in.
We understand that at the moment she is watching the virginian
But we have been promised that we will be informed
The moment that she changes channel.
Her majesty would like everyone to behave quite normally
But her equerry has asked me to request all of you at home
To stand when the great moment arrives--
Although we here in the studio will be carrying on
With our humorous vignettes and spoofs in the ordinary way.
Thank you.
And now without any more ado and completely as normal
Here are the opening titles.
The coal miners of wales have long been famed
For their tough, rugged life hewing the black gold
From the uncompromising hell of one mile under.
This is the story of such men--
Battling gallantly against floods, roof falls
The english criminal law
The hidden killer, carbon monoxide
And the ever-present threat of pneumoconiosis which is a...
A disease miners get.
Don't you talk to me like that
You lying bastard.
You bleeding pig.
You're not fit to be down a mine.
Typical bleeding rhondda, isn't it.
You think you're so bloody clever.
All right.
You're bloody fighting again?
Break it up
Or I'll put this pick through your head.
Now what's it all about?
He started it.
Oh, you bleeding pig, you started it.
I don't care who bloody started it
What's it about?
Well, he said the bloody treaty of utrecht was 1713.
So it bloody is.
No, it bloody isn't.
It wasn't ratified till february 1714.
He's bluffing.
Your mind's gone, jenkins.
You're rubbish.
He's right, jenkins.
It was ratified september 1713.
The whole bloody pit knows that.
Look, in trevelyn, page 468.
He's thinking of the treaty of bloody westphalia.
Are you saying I don't know the difference between
The war of the bloody spanish succession
And the thirty bloody years' war?
You don't know the difference
Between the battle of borodino
And a tiger's bum.
Break it up! break it up!
I'm sick of all this bloody fighting.
If it's not the bloody treaty of utrecht
It's the bloody binomial theorem.
This isn't the senior common room at all souls--
It's the bloody coal face.
Hey, gaffer, can you settle something?
Morgan here says you find the abacus between the triglyphs
In the frieze section of the entablature
Of classical greek doric temples.
You bloody fool, morgan.
That's the metope.
The abacus is between
The architrave and the echinus in the capital.
You stinking liar!
Break it up.
Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty
Master of the universe, protector of the meek
Whose nose we are not worthy to pick
And whose very feces are an untrammeled delight
And whose peacocks keep us awake
All hours of the night with their noisy lovemaking
We beseech thee, tell thy humble servants the name
Of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze section
Of a classical doric entablature.
No idea.
Sorry.
Right. everybody out.
Still no settlement
In the coal mine dispute at llanddarog.
Miners refuse to return to work
Until the management define a metope.
Meanwhile, at dagenham
The unofficial strike committee at fords
Have increased their demands
To 13 reasons why henry iii was a bad king.
And finally, in the disgusting objects international
At wembley tonight, england beat spain
By a plate of braised pus to a putrid heron.
And now, the toad elevating moment.
Good evening.
Well, we have in the studio tonight
A man who says things in a very roundabout way.
Isn't that so, mr. pudifoot?
Yes.
Have you always said things
In a very roundabout way?
Yes.
I can't help noticing that for someone who claims
To say things in a very roundabout way
Your last two answers have had very little
Of the discursive quality about them.
Oh, well, I'm not very talkative today.
It's a form of defensive response
To intense interrogative stimuli.
I used to get it very bad when I was a boy...
Well, when I say badly
In fact, do you remember that fashion they had
For, you know, little poodles with small coats...?
Ah, now you're beginning to talk...
You're beginning to talk in a roundabout way.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, no, no. please do carry on
Because that is in fact why we wanted you on the show.
I thought it was because you were interested in me
As a human being.
Well, let's move on to our next guest
Who not only lives in essex
But also speaks only the ends of words.
Mr. ohn ith. mr. ith, good evening.
...ood ...ing.
Nice to have you...
Nice to have you on the show.
...ice ...o ...e ...ere.
Mr. ith, don't you find it very difficult
To make yourself understood?
Yes, it is extremely difficult.
Just a minute. you're a fraud.
Oh, no. I can speak the third
And fourth sentences perfectly normally.
I see.
So your next sentence will be only the ends of words again?
...t's ...ight.
As we move on to our next guest
Who speaks only the beginnings of words--
Mr. j... sm...
Mr. sm..., good evening.
G... e...
Have you two met before?
N... o. N...
Well, this is really a fascinating occasion
Because we have in the studio
Mr. ...oh... ...i...
Who speaks only the middles of words.
Good evening.
...oo... ...ni...
And where do you come from?
...u... ...i... ...a...
Dunfermline in scotland.
Well, let me introduce you.
Mr. ohn ith.
...ood ...ing.
Mr. j... sm...
...ooo... ...ni...
G... eve...
Yes, well, ha, ha, just a moment.
Perhaps you'd all like to say good evening together.
G... oo...d
Eve... ni... ing
Hi, there, beautiful.
Hi, bob.
Say, what's the matter with you?
I don't know, tom
But girls seem to avoid me these days.
Hmm, could be bad breath, bob.
Say, have you tried using crelm toothpaste?
Gosh, tom, do you think that would help?
You bet your boots it will, bob.
Tom was sure right.
Crelm has changed my life.
Hi, girls.
This table has been treated
With ordinary soap powder
But these have been treated with new fibro-val.
We put both of them in our washing machine
And just look at the difference.
The table
Is all broken and smashed--
But the sheets, with fibro-val, are sparkling clean and white.
I love the surgical garment.
Enjoy the delights of the victor mature abdominal corset.
Sail down the nile on the bleed-it kosher truss.
And don't forget the hercules hold-'em-in--
The all-purpose concrete truss
For the man with the family hernia.
Well, last week on fish club
We learnt how to sex a pike.
And this week we're going to learn how to feed a goldfish.
Now, contrary to what most people think
The goldfish has a ravenous appetite.
If it doesn't get enough protein it gets very thin--
Its bones begin to stick out and its fins start to fall off.
So once a week
Give your goldfish a really good meal.
Here's one specially recommended
By the board of irresponsible people.
First, some cold consomme or gazpacho...
Then some sausages with spring greens...
Sauteed potatoes, bread, gravy...
The rspca wish it to be known
That that man was not a bona-fide animal lover
And also that goldfish do not eat sausages...
...treacle tart!
Shut up.
They are quite happy with breadcrumbs, ants' eggs and...
Who wrote that?
Come on.
Oh, charles.
Come on.
Oh, oh...
Oh, come on...
Oh...
I hope you're enjoying the show.
Herbert mental collects bird-watchers' eggs.
At his home in surrey
He has a collection of over 400 of them.
Here now, this is a very interesting one.
This is from a mr. p.f. bradshaw.
He is usually found in surrey hedgerows
But I found this one
In the gents at st. pancras, uneaten.
Mr. mental, why did you start collecting bird-watcher's eggs?
Well, I did it to get on man alive.
Man alive?
That's right, yes.
Uh, but then, that got all serious.
So I carried on in the hope of a quick appearance
As an eccentric on the regional section of nationwide.
Mr. mental, I believe a couple of years ago
You started to collect butterfly hunters.
Butterfly hunters?
Yes.
Oh, that's right.
Here's a couple of them over here.
Nice little chaps.
But the hobby I enjoyed most was racing pigeon fanciers.
Dinsdale! dinsdale!
Is the balloon ready?
Yeah, boss.
Coming right up.
Okay, let's go.
Uh, good morning.
I've been in touch with you
About the, uh, life insurance.
Ah, yes.
Uh did you... did you bring the, uh...
Mmm, specimen of your...
Um, and so on and so on?
Uh, yes, I did.
It's in the car.
There's rather a lot.
Good, good.
Do you really need 12 gallons?
Mmm... no. no, not really.
Do you test it?
No.
Well, why do you want it?
Well, we do it to make sure
That you're serious about wanting insurance.
I mean, if you're not
You won't spend a couple of months
Filling up that enormous churn with...
Mmm... so on and so on.
Shall I bring it in?
Lord, no. throw it away.
Throw it away?
I was months filling that thing up.
And we've just heard that her majesty, the queen
Has just tuned in to this program
And she is now watching this royal sketch
Here in this royal set.
The actor on the left is wearing the great gray suit
Of the bbc wardrobe department
And the other actor is about to deliver
The first great royal joke here this royal evening.
Going to the right, you can see the royal cameraman
And behind...
Oh, we just heard she's switched over.
She's watching news at ten.
...despite the union's recommendation
That the strikers should accept the second and third clauses
Of the agreement arrived at last thursday.
Today saw the publication
Of the mcguffie commission's controversial report
On treatment of inpatients in north london hospitals.
Get on parade!
Come on, come on!
We haven't got all day, have we?
Come on, come on, come on!
Hurry up!
Right!
Now, I know some hospitals
Where you get the patients lying around in bed--
Sleeping, resting, recuperating, convalescing.
Well, that's not the way we do things here, right?!
No, you won't be loafing about in bed
Wasting the doctors' time.
You! you horrible little cripple!
What's the matter with you?
Fractured tibia, sergeant.
"fractured tibia, sergeant."
"fractured tibia, sergeant," ooh.
Proper little mummy's boy, aren't we?!
Well, I'll tell you something, my fine friend.
If you fracture a tibia here, you keep quiet about it!
Look at him! he's broke both his arms
And he don't go shouting about it, do he?!
No! 'cause he's a man, you...
He's a woman, you see
So don't try that fractured tibia talk with me!
Get on for detail at the double! one, two, three.
Pick that crutch up!
Pick that crutch right up!
Right... squad... 'tion!
Squad, right turn!
Squad, by the left, quick limp!
Come on, pick 'em up, there!
Get some air in those wounds!
Here at st. pooves, we believe in a.r.t.--
Active recuperation techniques.
We try to help the patient understand
That however ill he may be
He can still fulfill a useful role in society.
Sun lounge, please, mr. griffiths.
Well...
I got a triple fracture of the right leg
Dislocated collarbone and multiple head injuries
So I do most of the heavy work, like helping the surgeon.
What does that involve?
Well, at the moment, we're building him a holiday home.
What about the nurses?
Oh, well, I don't know about them.
They're not allowed to mix with the patients.
Do all the patients work?
No, no. the ones that are really ill do sport.
Yes, one thing patients here dread are the runs.
How are you feeling?
Much better.
But the patients are allowed visiting hours
And this week they're visiting an iron foundry at swindon
Which is crying out for unskilled labor.
But this isn't the only hospital
Where doctors' conditions are improving.
We have very little shortage of doctors here.
We have over 40 doctors per bed... uh, patient.
Oh, be honest : bed.
We've every facility here
For dealing with people who are rich.
We can deal with a blocked purse
We can drain private accounts, and in the worst cases
We can perform a total cashectomy
Which is total removal of all moneys from the patient.
Well, here we try to help people
Who have to link sketches together.
We try to stop them saying
"have you ever wondered what it would be like if...?"
And instead say something like, um...
"and now, the mountaineering sketch."
Well, I haven't written a mountaineering sketch, but...
Now to the exploding version of "the blue danube."
And now a dormitory in a girls' public school.
Hello. agnes?
Agnes, are you awake?
Agnes?
Who is it?
Is that you, charlie?
Yeah, agnes.
Where is jane?
I'm over here, charlie.
Jane, we're going down to raid the tuck shop.
Oh, good-o.
Count me in, girls.
Can I come, too, agnes?
Yeah, joyce.
And me and avril?
Yeah, rather. and suki.
Oh, whacko the diddle-oh.
Cave, girls.
Here comes miss rodgers.
All right, girls.
Now, stop this tomfoolery and get back into bed.
Remember, it's the big match
At st. bridget's tomorrow.
Yes, on your screen tomorrow--
Starring the men of the 14th marine commandos.
And now it's documentary time
When we look at the momentous last years
Of the second world war
And tonight, the invasion of normandy, performed
By the girls of oakdend high school, upper fifth science.
Oh, it's still raining.
I'm going down the shops.
Oh, be a dear and get me
Some rats' bane for the budgie's boil.
Otherwise, I'll put your eyes out.
Aye, aye, captain.
Coo-ee. torpedo bay.
Yoo-hoo. torpedo bay.
She said torpedo bay.
Yes, she did. she did.
Yes, she said torpedo bay, she did, she did.
Said torpedo bay, she did, she did.
Mrs. lieutenant edale here.
Mrs. midshipman nesbitt's got one of her headaches again
so I put her in the torpedo tube.
Roger, mrs. edale.
Stand by to fire mrs. nesbitt.
Standing by to fire mrs. nesbitt.
Red alert.
Put the kettle on.
Kettle on.
Engine room, stand by to feed the cat.
Standing by to feed the cat.
Fire mrs. nesbitt!
Oh, that's much better.
As an admiral who came up through the ranks
More times than you've had hot dinners
I wish to join my husband admiral o.w.a. giveaway
In condemning this shoddy misrepresentation
Of our modern navy.
The british navy is one of the finest
And most attractive
And butchest fighting forces in the world.
I love those white-flag trousers
And the feel of rough blue serge
On those pert little buttocks.
I'm afraid we're unable to show you any more of that letter.
We continue with a man with a stoat through his head.
And now...
Still no sign of land.
How long is it?
That's rather a personal question, sir.
You stupid git.
I meant how long have we been in the lifeboat?
You've spoilt the atmosphere now.
I'm sorry.
Shut up.
We'll have to start again.
Still no sign of land.
How long is it?
33 days, sir.
33 days.
I don't think we can hold out much longer.
I don't think I did spoil
The atmosphere. shut up!
I'm sorry. I don't think I did.
Of course you did.
Do you think I spoilt the atmosphere?
Well, i...
Look, shut up! shut up.
Still no sign of land.
How long is it?
33 days, sir.
Can we start it again?
Oh!
Still no sign of land.
How long is it?
33 days, sir.
33 days?
Yes.
We can't hold out much longer.
We haven't had any food since the fifth day.
We're done for, we're done for.
Shut up, maudling.
We've just got to keep hoping
Someone will find us.
How are you feeling, captain?
Not so good.
I feel so weak.
We can't hold out much longer.
Listen, chaps.
There's one last chance.
I'm done for.
I've got a gammy leg and I'm going fast.
I'll never get through, but...
Some of you might.
So you'd better eat me.
Eat you, sir?
Yes. eat me.
Ugh. with a gammy leg?
You don't have to eat the leg, thompson.
There's still plenty of good meat.
Look at that arm.
It's not... just the leg, sir.
What do you mean?
Well, sir, it's just that...
Why don't you want to eat me?
I'd rather eat johnson, sir.
Oh, so would i, sir.
I see.
Well, that's settled then.
Everyone eats me.
Well, i, um...
What sir?
No, no. you go ahead. I won't...
Nonsense, nonsense, sir.
You're starving. tuck in.
No, it's not just that.
What's the matter with johnson, sir?
Well, he's not kosher.
Depends how we kill him, sir.
Yes, yes, I see that, but, uh...
Well, to be quite frank
I like my meat a little more lean.
I'd rather eat hodges.
Oh, well, all right.
No, I still prefer to eat johnson.
I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me.
I tell you what, why don't those of us who want to
Eat johnson, then, you, sir, can eat my leg
And then we'll make a stock of the captain, and after that
We can eat the rest of johnson cold for supper?
Good thinking, hodges.
And we'll finish off with the peaches.
And we can start off with the avocados.
Waitress? yes.
Waitress, we've decided now.
We're going to have a leg of hodges...
Dear sir, I'm glad to hear that your studio audience
Disapproves of the last skit as strongly as i.
As a naval officer, I abhor the implication
That the royal navy is a haven for cannibalism.
It is well known that we now have the problem
Relatively under control
And that it is the r.a.f who now suffer
The largest casualties in this area.
What do you think the argylls ate in aden? arabs?
Yours, etc., captain b.j. smethwick
In a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic.
Stop it. stop it.
Stop this cannibalism.
Let's have a sketch about clean, decent human beings.
Morning.
Ah, good morning.
What can I do for you, squire?
Uh, well, I wonder if you can help me.
Um, you see my mother's just died.
Oh, we can help. we deal with stiffs.
What?
Well, there are
Three things we can do with your mother.
We can burn her, bury her or dump her.
Dump her?
Dump her in the thames.
What?
Oh. did you like her?
Yes.
We won't dump her then.
What do you think?
We can bury her or burn her.
Well, which do you recommend?
Well, they're both nasty.
If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames--
Crackle, crackle, crackle-- which is a bit of a shock
If she's not quite dead, but quick.
Then we give you a handful of ashes
Which you can pretend were hers.
Oh. I see.
Or if we bury her, she gets eaten up
By lots of weevils and nasty maggots
Which, as I said before, is a bit of a shock
If she's not quite dead.
I see. well, she's, uh... she's definitely dead.
Where is she?
Well, she's in this sack.
She looks quite young.
Yes. yes, she was.
Fred!
Yeah?
I think we've got an eater.
What?
I'll get the oven on.
Right.
Uh... excuse me.
Um, are you, uh... are you suggesting
Eating my mother?
Yeah.
Not raw.
Cooked.
What?
Yes. roasted with a few french fries
Broccoli, horseradish sauce.
Well, I do feel a bit peckish.
Great.
Disgraceful!
Can we have some parsnips?
Fred, get some parsnips.
I really don't think I should.
Look, tell you what, we'll eat her
If you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards
We can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.